In the digital age, online shopping has emerged as a quintessential part of our lives. But, while scrolling through a product’s reviews to determine its worthiness, have you ever stumbled upon a comment that made you chuckle, guffaw, or even snort with laughter? Beyond the usual star ratings and earnest feedback, a subculture of comedic critics have taken to e-commerce platforms to showcase their wit and humor. These hysterical testimonials often become internet legends, garnering more attention than the product itself. From the absurd to the sarcastic, dive into the delightful realm of two the funniest product reviews that have graced the internet. If you need to brighten your day in Costa Rica or anywhere in the world read the below.
What happens when you drink 10 oz of Magnesium Citrate?
I’m glad you asked…
12:05 pm: It’s time. You shotgun a 10 oz bottle like it’s a lukewarm PBR and you don’t want to be a pansy in front of your older brother’s friends. It’s suppose to be lemon flavored but it’s becoming quite clear that whoever led the R&D team that day has never actually tasted anything lemon in their life. You are already regretting this decision.
12:06 pm: You down a cupcake like you’ve been saving it for the apocalypse because let’s face it…that time is here. It’s going to turn to liquid form before it even clears your throat but you don’t care. All is right in the world at this moment. Hold on to that. You’re about to enter a very dark period in your life.
12:37 pm: First sign of life. The pressure is growing. You already have 5 lbs of impacted poop in your colon and you basically just drank the “safe for humans” version of Drano. You feel a poop coming on finally. You think it’s time. You’re wrong. You get a little snake turd as a teaser.
Take note…this is the last semi-solid thing you will see leaving your body for the next 24 hours.
12:57 pm: That little science experiment you got cooking is about to reach it’s boiling point. Your stomach is angry now. It hates you…you can feel it. You have exactly .3 seconds to make it to the nearest toilet but you can’t run… NEVER run! You pray to God there is enough elasticity in your butthole to keep the gates closed 5 more steps as you start to preemptively undo your pants to save valuable time. Almost there. 3…2…1…
12:58 pm: Sweet Mary,…is this real life? Your cheeks barely hit the seat and all hell breaks loose. The poop/ water mixture you’ve just created comes out with such force that it actually sprays the back of the toilet bowl at a 45 degree angle thus deflecting it in every direction but down.
Is that blood?
False alarm.
That’s just the remnants of a cherry pie you ate at Thanksgiving…when you were 5. The smell is horrid…the sound is frightening. You try to clench whats left of your butthole to soften the blow but it’s not working. The whole house just heard your liquid poop fart as it gurgled out of your butt.
1:06 pm- 8:30 pm: Everything’s a blur. You have pooped out everything you have ever eaten since the day you were born, everything your ancestors have ever eaten since the early 1800’s, and your butthole now feels like you have a flaming hot Cheeto and the tears of a thousand Jalapeno seeds stuck in it.
You’re now curled up in the bathtub ugly crying because you have to remain within arm’s reach of the toilet at all times.
You have the poop sweats.
You meet Jesus.
8:37 pm: Your family will never be able to unsee the things they’ve seen in the last 8 hours.
You’re broken.
Your butthole’s broken.
Your spirit’s broken.
Life as you know it will never be the same. But…tomorrow’s a new day. You’re going to wake up, throw on the only remaining pair of underwear you have that doesn’t have a poop stain on it, and you’re going to run up to Target with the last shred of dignity you have left…and buy yourself a new toilet brush. You’ve earned it.
Tracy’s Dog Vibrator
‘Having read everyone’s reviews, i had high expectations, but with the price being under 50 dollars, i wasn’t exactly going to be shocked if it was mediocre. A few friends of mine bought it recently, and told me of its power.
‘I was warned to take the day off, hydrate, and above all do some stretches. I thought they were being such drama queens.
It was delivered within 2 days of ordering, so it’s already off to a good start. Opening the very discreet box, instructions say 2.5 hour charge time. Not too bad, i plug this lil bad boy in.
‘While the kids are at school waiting for it to charge, killing time reading some erotica my friend and fellow queenie, recommended because i don’t have time to screw around waiting to get into “the mood”.
‘I have to get the kids in a few hours and i need to be ready to go when this thing is done charging. Tik tok b!tch, tik tok welcome to motherhood. “Patiently waiting” me is checking to see if the light has stopped blinking every 10 minutes like a crackhead waiting for his dealer.
‘After only and hour and a half, solid pink light.
‘Game on.
‘I played with the settings on my hand to test this fine machinery out.The vibration for the g spot part is quite strong, i was impressed with with that even before use.
‘Next was suction. So many levels it was interesting to see the different patterns and strength. There are 10 levels for clitoral and 10 patterns for g spot.I’ve never used a clit suction type stimulator, so i have nothing to compare it to, but looked forward to it none the less.
‘Time to solo party.
I found placement for the clit a bit low for my body shape, it took me a few min to get everything where it needed to be. That was a bit time consuming and slightly frustrating.
‘But as with any new toy, its trial and error. I started the clit one on low, which i barely even felt. Unbeknownst to me it wasn’t lined up 100% ,So, me being me, i decide to go from zero to 60 in 3.5.
‘I hit the suction button setting to level 5 or 6 and hit the g spot button as well. And made a minor adjustment on suction placement.At least i think that’s what happened, Because I’m pretty sure i blacked out,
‘My legs went straight out like those goats who faint when scared.
‘I never came so fast and so hard in my life. I squirted, i have NEVER DONE THAT. (Luckily i put a towel down cause i hate wet spots)
‘I frantically tried to turn it off, but ended up hitting the buttons like a maniac, sending to even stronger suction and now variant pulses from the g spot vibrator. And came, again. Im pretty sure i levitated. It was an unending orgasm.
‘This time, my soul left me, and god himself said “child, it is not your time, go back to the lil pink light.” (Mind you, im agnostic.)
‘I’m brought back into my earthly body after managing to pull it off me throwing it across my bed, it falls to the floor, still buzzing happily away.
‘I shook for a good 5 minutes, i couldn’t get up off the bed if even wanted to. I stared at my ceiling dazed trying to remember who i am and what year is this.
‘I get up to clean up and realize in my seizure like orgasms, i hurt my hip and back. Im still hobbling 4 hours later
I did not stretch enough.
‘So in conclusion, this met and exceeded expectations. Hydrate, make sure you don’t have to do anything that involves decisions or brainpower for the rest of the day. And for the love of god, stretch like you are about to run the 500 meter dash.’
