(Just a warning this article contains some language that some may find offensive)
She: “He has to earn it.”
Me: “Earn what?”
She: “Well, he has to show me that he’s in for good. That I can trust him. That he’s a nice man. Then, we’ll have sex.”
If you’re a Latina, you may be thinking something like: “Well yes, Mariana. He does have to show that.”
This is, after all, a very common conversation among Costa Rican and Latino women: A general and accepted prerequisite for men to be able to approach our vaginas, even though, women -we- complain that men only see us as objects. That men only want sex. That they’re liars who are just after sex and who will say or do anything to get it.
Then I say: Dam right they are! How else will they get laid?
We’re objectifying ourselves exactly the same way we blame them for. We’re promising pussy to men if and only they meet the requirements. Just like if our sex was for sale. Well, is it?
From outside it looks like a tv show game: women set the stage with tons of obstacles men have to conquer. Big stone balls they have to carry through fire. Wooden sticks they have to insert in their eyes. Eat roaches… And then, just then, they will get the big surprise:
What are we doing? If we don’t want to feel like an object, let’s stop looking at ourselves as such. And come on! Let’s stop giving ourselves so much credit. Have we ever thought that maybe our prize is actually a very lousy lover? That we suck in bed? Poor guy! After swimming with sharks he gets a lame mummy in bed.
Today I was thinking about it: where do I do that? Where do I see my willingness to have sex with a man as a golden treasure that’s for sale? Where am I using sex to manipulate men?
It’s like I’m testing the good men and the bad men based on their desire to have sex. It’s ridiculous! Of course they want it. We all do. We all want sex. But, us Latino women are taught to keep it a secret. A good woman doesn’t need nor desires sex. But later, we’re taught that a good woman desires sex in silence and behaves like a “slut” in bed to keep her man happy. Whatever that means!
And now I wonder: What happens later, when one does give out the prize and gets a boyfriend that later becomes a husband? How will I use sex later when I finally catch the poor bastard?
Could it look something like this?
You didn’t buy me the right blender? NO SEX TONIGHT!
You looked at that 20 year old at the restaurant? NO SEX TONIGHT!
You drank too many beers after work? NO SEX TONIGHT!
Exhausting! I just know that I want to look at sex as natural as possible. An amazing act that I sometimes decide to do and sometimes don’t. Sometimes YES… Sometimes NO.
Chocolate cake? Yes or no?
I want to have it, whenever it feels right for me, whether my guy knows how to hunt a deer or not.
It’s me I have to check with.
Do I feel like it? With him? Now?
No platinum prizes for anyone.
No golden pussy for sale here.
No promises of heaven for anyone.
Just the mere desire of saying YES
the echo of my head saying NO.
By Mariana den Hollander