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The Broken Road – Moving On & Starting Over

Lisa and I hit it off right away, but I think I was just looking for anything at that point of time in my life. I needed something to get my mind off the fact my heart was still split in two. She could have been the most perfect girl in the world but she had no chance to break through the outer shell that had been placed around my heart. Turns out she was pretty wonderful but I was looking for a way out from day one.

fresh startAfter meeting, we spent every day and night together. I showed her around the Heredia area and she actually ended up deciding that she wanted to move into my apartment as I was leaving to head to Playa Hermosa and finally get out of San Jose. She loved the Heredia area but for me I needed a fresh start and a completely new beginning. There was hope in the back of my mind that I would find my smile again. In the mean time I would spend time with Lisa to try to get over Priscilla.

On night one with Lisa, we stayed together plutonically at her hotel. After eating dinner I had felt sick. I did not know if it was the food or the stress I was going through in my life. Moving is always stressful.

After getting out of the hospital, the smell of cigarette smoke always made me nauseous and I was trying to work through the fact that Lisa smoked about every 30 minutes. I finally realized what the girls in my past had felt when I was smoking. It is disgusting and the smell and taste of someone that smokes made me feel sick to my stomache. It does not matter how many times they brush their teeth nor how many showers they take during the day, it is always there.

Then there was the cat. I am and always will be a dog person. I respect the fact that cats are very independent, but the cair hair and the smell of the litter box do not do it for me. Lisa had a cat and it went everywhere with her. It was in the hotel room, it was living at my apartment, it was there in the morning, it was there in the bed. Here a cat, there a cat, everywhere a cat, cat. The hairs and the odor were everywhere. That, combined with the smell of the smoke had me feeling annoyed and sick everytime I was around her. It was like I was in the movie A Clockwork Orange, and going through the therapy where he felt sick everytime he thought of doing something bad. Except this was how I felt being around a person.

I was trying to get into the laid back Pura Vida mentality in Costa Rica, but Lisa was the exact opposite. It was frustratinga_clockwork_orange_3 with the “I need to get this done now” and “drop what you are doing and help me” attitude. I was trying to get my life together and the last thing I needed was to babysit someone that “already knew everything” but yet needed help doing everything. The fact that she actually used the word “mae” (Tico slang for the word dude that shows a lack of intelligence) as a gringa was pretty much the last straw for me, but I had to give it a try and see if it would go anywhere.

After spending about 5 days together it was time for me to head to the beach and check out what would be my new home. For some god only knows reason, I politely said to Lisa….”You should come with me”. Inside I was hoping that she would say no because she had things to do. But the reponse was….”I will go but I need to being my cat.” Unfortunately this was not a sexual inuendo. It meant that the cat that got car sick a lot was going to be taking the ride to the beach with me. Fun, fun! So much for a fun start to the weekend. But oh well.

Upon arrival it was stress from moment one. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy the beach, it was being told what to do and the female “guit trip” method was used to make me feel bad if I did not do something she wanted. I was there on a work trip to get ready for my move and the last thing I needed was a bickering pain in my ass.

By the end of the weekend I had become as cold as I could possibly be with Lisa. The frustrations I felt by being around her were visible to everyone around. I was moving in the next few days and it was obvious that it would be the end of whatever kind of relaitonship we had going on. We both kept the apperance to each other that it would continue but when the movers arrived on that Friday, the call declaring the end was expected from one of us…it came from her.

She said that she felt I was being cold to her and that she thought that it was best if we both moved on. I immediately agreed which I guess was not what she wanted. She wanted me to beg her to stay with me and to put even more effort into something that was never going to work. Sorry, not going to happen. My focus was on work and putting together a couple of projects to make money. I could only offer her a little time in the morning, a call in the evening and weekends. That was not enough and it ended there.

I finally understood it, or at least I thought I did. Women want everything. They want you to give them your full attention, they want you to listen whenever they want to talk, they want you to be able to financially support them (in many cases), and they want you to agree to do things they want. Ladies, guess what? This perfect man does not exist. If you continue to look for him you will continue to be disappointed. A guy cannot be the perfect Prince Charming and be focused on his career at the same time. If a guy has money then he will be able to spend more time with you, but for theno-marriage-no-children remainder of the male population we have to work our asses off and then many times do not want to deal with the daily female drama.

I had made my mind up, I would never get married. I was never going to have children. There may be that woman out there that would make me feel whole, but it would not be during this part of my life. It was time to completely focus on work and generating income. I was 36 years old and if I had a kid it would not be for at least 4 more years if I met someone, putting me at 58 when the child was 18. No thanks. The time for me to think about kids and family had come and gone.

It was time to focus on myself. I had spent so much time in my life thinking that happiness was what I was told growing up. The house, the wife, the 2.5 kids, the job, and everything else that comes with this family life. However, I had figured out that was not the life for me. I was happy working on the projects and being an entrepreneur. For me buiding something was what brought happiness to my life, not trying to keep up with the Jones’.

I might not ever find a woman in Costa Rica or anywhere that wants to be with someone like myself but at least I would have peace inside me. Too many times we tie happiness with being with someone, having a better job, having a child, or having your own family. To find your own happiness you have to let all of those stereotypes go. It is so hard to internalize this new vision of finding happiness within and not worry anymore what anyone else thinks.

As I finally finally got the glimpse of the ocean from the passenger side of the moving truck, I knew I had to let go of all my anger and start to breathe again. Too many times we lose focus on the big picture which is not to make as much money as possible nor to find the perfect mate. It is doing the things that make you smile and dream again. It is doing the things that bring passion into your life. If you can wake up in the morning and look forward to greeting the day and the work does not really feel like work, then you are doing what you should be doing.

So many times I see people spend their lives doing what they think society wants them to do and they end up old and bitter. When you look back on your life, you are always going to regret the things you didn’t do and the dreams you did not follow. It was time to follow my dreams again and hopefully find peace.

 Next Up – Adjusting to Beach Life

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